Women disempowerment: An abundance of hatred between females

I was thinking of which angle to tackle the topic of Woman’s Day this past weekend. So as  fate would have it, I decided on writing about the wrongs of women instead of celebrating them, unfortunately. So here goes a full post on the reasons as to why being a woman sometimes saddens me.

I will start off by setting up a scene for you.

Imagine waking up after a hectically fun weekend with some friends and family. You had a good time, no, fantabulous weekend with loved ones and did some work on the side as well. You wake up feeling ready to tackle Monday head-on because you know that on Tuesday all South Africans will be celebrating females everywhere and you get to spend that with girlfriends. Then you get on the road and all that changes within a few minutes, your happy, excited feeling, your mood, perspective; everything!

Well, that’s what happened to me this morning, but I am about to be more detailed than that. I was on my way to work when some lady flashed at me from behind. So I ignored her because I thought that she was a crazy lady, yes that’s what I’ll call her, and crazy ladies need as little attention as possible. So crazy lady persisted and went on the next lane to get my attention once more. I see her mouth yapping, but of course being the crazy lady that she was she didn’t roll down her window and speak loudly or do hand gestures like ‘palm out’ would have meant ‘stop’, for example, something only non-crazy people would know.

So she eventually overtakes and gets in front me. At this point I’m forced to stop and chat to crazy lady. Crazy lady gets out and looks angry, so I’m like “crazy lady has gone crazier.” However, I think her craziness was aggravated more by my gesture; I pointed my finger towards my wrist implying that I’m late for work. So I roll down my window and she immediately tells me that I hit her car. I was in disbelief because I never heard a bump or felt a bump and there was no scratch on either her car or mine. So now I’m more puzzled.

So I proceeded to ask her where, as in which area, did I ‘hit’ her. She told me where and I was like all right. She physically pushes me almost into an oncoming car, I then become angry, mind you this woman is not only older but bigger than me but had the emotions and behaviour of a 10 year old, so I had to be careful because I honestly did not want to get into a ghetto fight in the wee hours of the morning with little Miss I’m Right All The Time.

This is where my cousin got out of the car and tried to keep the peace. She insisted on carrying on with the fight, even after a third party was present, by telling me that I bumped into the car and I need to pay. Of course I just agreed and silently appreciated that I have insurance. Now this is a woman who clearly seemed to be going through something and really wanted to be acknowledged as someone who was correct and I was wrong and rude, so she insisted on carrying on with this futile argument. I was quick to admit that I was in the wrong. She could have said I hit her car until it flipped over I would have agreed, just to keep the peace. But she was very loud and abrasive and very aggressive.

Had she been calmer, more respectful and less violent I would have probably felt guilty about something I’m certain I didn’t do. But she wasn’t, she didn’t care about me at all. The fact that she was older meant that she had to show me the right way in doing things, but she didn’t teach me anything and therefore all I got from this was that she’s an older, angry woman ready to do bodily harm in order to prove a point; that’s it.

All I got from this experience was that black women, particularly older ones,  still have a lot to learn themselves on how to respect women, particularly younger ones. I say this generically speaking because it’s not the first time I witness it, and neither is it the last. Believe it or not there are quite a few young women who continue to look for guidance from older women, some of our mothers raised us very well. But the older women are still competing with us; for the attention of men, for jobs, money, to be right. Pointless things when it comes to women relationships. She threatened me. I’m scarred today, I will be better tomorrow but I doubt this experience will be easy to forget. It was really unpleasant. There hardly any communication done in words, well at least from her side, her hands spoke in loud volumes.

I was willing to take the blame in order to keep the peace because she was older and I was really getting late for work but most importantly, all this was unnecessary. But because she was fighting, because of a possible scratch, the next time I see her, God I hope I never, but if I do all I will see is a woman who nearly almost put me into hospital because I refused to fight back.

There will probably be a lot of repetition here and that’s simply because I’m still in a daze, still fazed from what happened today. So, what I’m saying is this post might be the most confusingly written post ever from me, please don’t attack me in any form, just forgive me. Never have I ever been this belittled before. It’s a shocking feeling for me.

After work I will be going to two women who I know for sure will never ever hurt me, my grandma and mama. I just need two sets of shoulders to cry on before I carry on with tomorrow’s happenings. What happened today will happen tomorrow to some other young lady, and maybe she won’t be lucky enough to come out alive. Hating one another and attacking people, especially between women, is so old fashioned and tacky, not to mention non-lady-like. I think someone should buy her the Oprah DVD set for Woman’s Day tomorrow, she could learn a thing or two about respect among fellow women.

Sho!

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I’ll tell you what I don’t want

So a few nights ago I was talking to a colleague and friend about the reasons to my ‘singledom’. Yes, I’m single. I don’t show it much because I hate availing myself as if I am desperate. I feel the need to say this because me being alone has been a burning issue for some people for a while now, for some or other reason. And I would like it to stop now.

Le single life has treated me very well. I’ve really been given a chance to reconnect with old friends and this time build a proper foundation with them. I have met new people, some are VERY slowly becoming new, trusting friends. ALL my cousins, some of whom I have met only just a few years ago, are rapidly turning into my loves. They are a Godsend, I mean that.

Ok, this is my point; had I been in a serious romantic relationship, yes serious, all the years that I have invested in (re) developing all the different types of relationships that I currently have, all the energy it has taken and all the many quality moments taken from the experiences I have shared with all these people would have probably never happened and I would have never met and learnt how to maintain all the serious friendships developed over the past few years.

I say ‘serious’ because I am a serious person by nature. I play and I act the fool sometimes but when it comes to people, when it comes to matters of the heart, I don’t play, I can’t play. My friendships, over and over again, keep on re-affirming that stance.

One friend once said to me that if I’m not ready for a relationship with a man now or tomorrow or in the next year and a half then I will never be. It is no more different from a friendship with your best girlfriend or male cousins. “The only difference is you do some other things that you wouldn’t normally do with just anyone.”

I hear her, I do, but aint like I haven’t tried! Fa real real! I HAVE gone out on dates where the guy seemed charming at first, but I’m sorry, once you start farting those loud ones, I’m out that door honey!

In fact let me break it down to you because I have been stalling for a few paragraphs now. The things I ABSOLUTELY do not want in a man, I say this, and I feel like I have to say it because my friends and family keep introducing me to these kind of men, even after I have specifically listed what I do NOT want, are as follows:

PS: These are not all of them, but of the most importance.

1) Farting: This is easy to understand why, no need for an explanation here (this was motivated from personal experience).

2) Non-Christian: Intimacy is a big deal for everyone, and that’s because it deals with authenticity. Like it or not, intimacy has a lot to do with the Divine, the Holy, the Alpha and Omega; God. One cannot be at an intimate level with someone if one does not expose his/her soul, and anywho, how else can one grow if self-introspection does not take place in front of someone close? If he loves God, he will automatically love himself and in turn learn to love me. That simple.

3) Loud-mouth: A man with no tact is a man without consideration and is slow at thinking.

4) Purposelessly living man: If you don’t value yourself, how can you ever value me?

5) Ignorance: There’s no excuse in this day and social media age.

6) Non-inquisitive mind: I’m very curious myself. If have a question that needs an immediate answer, it would help if you are a bit insightful. Otherwise, see 5.

7) Ineffectual man, aka, wuss: How will he ever help me in a tough situation?! I can’t and won’t be able to deal!

8) Insensitive: A man with ADD is much more attractive.

Relationships have nothing to do with the other person. What I mean is, I am here and in all these different relationships because of me, no one but myself has brought me this far. Your soul knows that you will slowly re-MEMBER your magnificence and it uses romantic relationships to show us that. So I have faith, no doubt about that.

I have never spoken so openly about my private life, I don’t know how else to do it though. But, growth and a Higher Power have lead me here, I owe both thanks. So friends and fam, thanks for the hook ups, but in future, I will deny you in public.

Sho!

Sho!

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A bit of a quarter-life crisis, nothing serious though I just need your help

I’m beginning to become one of those irritatingly whiny people. I think it has got to do with where I am currently, space wise.

Back to the topic at hand; crisis. I grew up in a crowded house, but I loved it. I went to schools where the English language was enforced upon us, I have no complaints. I met many different people from all walks of life, and by ‘walks of life’ I mean sizes and by sizes I mean feet. I was raised in a very Catholic household, kept the Sabbath day holy, hardly did any chores on that day and prayed religiously for the poor to be protected. Then I completed my high school, went to varsity and began to be exposed to things I honestly thought occurred far, far away, where bad people lived.

Personal issues surfaced, the topic of sexuality arose and class differences became very much apparent within my social circles. Introspection became my best friend that first year. Needless to say, I wasn’t ready for such an environment and I opted out and decided to go to another varsity. High school just did not prepare me for the real world it seemed.

All the things that have happened in my life have lead to what I value today; my Christian beliefs, my political beliefs, my personal experiences, other people’s beliefs as well as their personal experiences. But we’ll leave the experiences behind, politics and religion are just so much more interesting, but that’s for another post.

But I’m at a crossroad now. I thought by now, I would be a bit established, I thought by now I would be a bit adult-like, I thought by now I would have understood some relationship dynamics. I’m just more confused than I have ever been now. This confusion has lead to a very high lack of self motivation.

All these things have lead to, well I don’t know, I hardly understand why I don’t like coconuts, never mind this boggling issue.

I wish I was one of those people that lived a spontaneous life, you know quit and decided to travel the world, but I have neither the chutzpah nor the moola.

So I need some help please, before this crisis turns into depression. Let’s solve the crisis, together, we can do so much more.

Please help, so that it doesn’t get to that.

I thank you, in advance.

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We all need at least one person to make it real for us

People for a long time have tried to divide something real, whether it is between a mother and her son, a husband and wife, or a pet and his owner. It is part of human nature to do so. It’s even worse when that special relationship is even more unique in the sense that no other group of people share with one another. I witnessed such a relationship between my uncle Selema and my grandpa, ‘ntate mogolo’. He’s the man with one hand pressed against his face, and next to him is my grandma, aka, ‘Gogzin’

 

I mean I have seen father/son relationships but the one shared between those 2 was indescribable. My grandpa was one of those VERY caring men, whom don’t seem to exist in this day and age. He was a passionate man, passionate about human rights, about the financially weak and very supportive of you when you were going through something harsh. He was provider. I remember he would sit me down to talk about anything that hindered on our communication. He would summon me, as it were, and he would either begin by talking about a relatively similar incident that occurred with someone else or he would just get straight to the point, and in a very subtle and slow paced motion, like a lawyer almost. He was very intelligent too, he was a teacher after all!

He was a real man, and I saw that every time he spoke to his youngest son. He very indirectly instilled in him a sense of manhood. I don’t know if he purposefully did that or it was just one of those inborn traits that he so well tried to hide. His youngest son, one of my very many uncles, is very politicized. I mean he very politically aware of what is happening in this country, what with being born in exile. I don’t know if he did it on purpose or if it was ironic, but his music group MK, short for ‘Metropolitan Kingz’, which during apartheid stood for ‘uMkhonto weSizwe’, a struggle group which fought against the apartheid govt, sings about today’s struggles. His group somehow, and I think this is their aim, is a sort of movement which aims to “conscientize” today’s youth.

That’s what my gramps always stood for, to help all realise that we are all one, that we are ultimately all fighting the same battle really, and that is simply to stay alive. To leave a legacy which our children and the future generation can live up to, that they can aspire to also leave behind and most importantly to be proud of. He has my grandpa’s smarts as well, I can see a lot of my late gramps in him actually.

So yes I am jealous, I am jealous that I never spent as much time as they did together, but to break up something that special would be sinful. He was an extraordinary man, a man amongst men, and so very humble. I remember the first time I met him all he seemed to want to talk about were my accomplishments and where I come from, like from waaaaaay back. I’m still trying to get around my head that he’s actually not at Ormonde anymore, that I can’t even pop in to just say hi. Till today it’s hard for me to go there without his very quiet ambience in the house, and I guess that is why I haven’t been there in a few months.

He made it real for me, he made life seem to be what it really was, that it’s not all great, that it’s not easy, and that what you really want out of life, what life will do first is test you to see whether you do really want whatever it is that you are so fighting for. He made it real, so real that he tried to really protect me from it, and by doing so my eyes began to open. The type of relationship he had with his youngest son was real, his manhood was real, our conversations were real, my love for him was, and still is, real.

RIP Ntate Mogolo

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So impressed with Khumo’s Finests!

I’m happy today. Apart from the fact that it’s a Friday, I’ve lost another kilo. But that’s just a portion of the reason to my happiness.

A couple of my friends have just recently embarked on a new journey to economic freedom. I won’t mention their names, mainly because they don’t know I’m writing about them, and, our friendships might end. One is in the media (radio) industry and another one has just become an accounts manager. Good luck and God be with you.

Another friend of mine, from Rhodes University (back in the day), has such a gorgeous and fun blog, her link is at the end of this post. It’s inviting, a simple read and soooo entertaining. Well done Maphoka!

Lisa is leaving SA soon for Switzerland. Oh sorry, Lisa is another friend of mine, a former colleague, but a friend more than anything else. Met her at work, got to know her a few months later and the rest is biology, you know, we had chemistry? I’m sad that she’s leaving because we just started to know each other. Oh well, such is life. I just wish her all the best in this new chapter.

Thank you for making my life easier and more bearable, especially to those that just recently got promotions, drinks are on you next time we go out!

Sho!

PS: http://voluptuouschronicles.blogspot.com

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Passion post politics-after effects of elections

Local elections are happening tomorrow in South Africa. In a way I think these elections will be a bit monumental. There’s an alternative party that’s really battling it out with the country’s leading political party, ANC. I personally think that that’s a good sign for this country. It’s good to have differences, it’s okay to not be a part of the leading party, even if you are black, progress I like that.

Yes, I said it, I pulled out the race card. I don’t understand why so many of us are avoiding that issue. In fact I don’t understand why we are avoiding the topics of race and social class. It’s what makes us. And largely what might, if not already will, determine who we vote for tomorrow.

Many have complained that the only reason why Helen Zille appointed Lindiwe Mazibuko to be spokesperson and Mmusi Maimane to be mayoral candidate for the city of Johannesburg of the DA was because they were young and black, and therefore could relate to more of the younger, blacker audience in Johannesburg, and thus get more votes.

It’s hard to disagree with such a statement when the leader of the opposing party is basically all plastic. Also, this class thing. Majority of this country is below middle-class. DA’s MPs are mostly white male, majority of the white males in this country are between lower and upper middle class. How can many black people relate to the DA in that instance?

On the other hand, the ANC has not done much justice to the poor. Yes, many of us have access to basic services, and we’re grateful, even thought it is our birthright. But, how many destitute people continue to live under dire states of poverty without a Grade 1 education? Corruption is getting worse by the minute!!! New money is just not handled well it seems.

I know, 17 years is not enough to erase the dreadful deeds of the previous regime, the leading party, and the country as a whole still has a long way to go. Yes, yes, we’ve all heard it before. But it’s true. BEE policy is helping, even though many may argue that that’s just reverse racism and not all are benefiting. There are free basic services given to some black and white people that just simply cannot afford water and electricity.

But more needs to be done. We need to keep the apartheid strugglers’ legacies going. We need to read more, ask those who have suffered under apartheid laws, those who have committed the racist deeds, those who had a chance to change the system but chose to look away; everyone must be involved. We need to be educated about our past. Understand the struggle and learn to fight, fairly, in order to move on. And it doesn’t have to be famous ANC members that we ask, it doesn’t have to be active participants against the struggle only. Many suffered, but many more went unacknowledged.

Fact is we still have places where black people only have menial positions, where they are paid lesser than their white counterparts, are made to do less work so that they are paid less. But we also have white people that have been a part of the struggle, that have fought with those that have been abused by the past racist law enforcers.

All I’m saying is we need to look at where we are now. We can’t wash away the past and forget about it, that makes some of us angry. But we cannot dwell on the past forever, know it then move on so that we can all improve in all aspects of our lives.

These are the things that all these parties need to understand and these are the pleas that I have for the party that will win the local elections from Friday, the 20th 2011. Think of the people, without us, there is no you.

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Change, what a load of nonsense you are

I am a fan of change. I like it. I don’t like staying stagnant and bored, it’s boring and just not cool. However, sometimes, change is not that good, sometimes it just feels too much, especially when you are not at all ready for it. It’s like a black man telling you that he loves you after only dating for a month; you are just not expecting it at all.

Any who, I haven’t experienced change, any kind of change, in a while, I like being in a comfort zone sometimes. It becomes problematic when you become accustomed to it though, when you know nothing else but familiarity. So they say, the nincompoops I mean. I like familiarity. What is the matter if one becomes closely acquainted with something? Or does this mean I can change husbands after a few years, after my love for them has expired? Well in that case I’m ALL for change. I’m all for changing husbands. I mean some friends we leave behind and meet new ones whom we (hopefully) keep for a longer period of time, so why can’t we with husbands?

So once again I ask why does change have to take part? Why is it so important in our lives? Is it because we need to progress? We need to know more things about life, to prepare ourselves spiritually before we die, before death takes its toll?

I’ll tell you what I think. I think change is a constant instance, act, in life. It is the only certainty we have. It is what we all human beings hold on to, that’s a natural phenomenon. Poor people hope that one day they will be able to get free basic access to services, a middle-aged divorced woman holds on to the hope that she will find love again. What is unnatural is holding for dear life to things that should have been let go of a long time ago. We don’t do ourselves any justice when holding onto old memories when we can easily develop brand new ones, cliched but true. Faith, hope and love are all we can honestly hold on to, along with the acceptance of change. Embrace it, feel it, love it! (Once again, cliched but oh so true).

Change could be the only thing between you feeling like no-one cares and somebody entrusting you with his/her life, don’t miss out on that opportunity, you could be a life giver, better yet a soul saver. That is what miracles are all about, after all.

So as much as change is nonsensical, it is very much necessary, it needs to happen, for our own sanity at least. So I guess, changing men is not quite what I meant. Change within yourself is what needs to occur.

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